Its ok, its all good now, mate of mine had one that he had written previously and was exactly what I was after, thus allowing me to negate the hassle of learning another shitty language that I won't ever use ever again.
Big Thanks though to Kosmo for trying to come through for me with actual code, which is what I was after.
My final web job is coming to a close \m/!@#!@#!@#!@#!@#!@#!#!@#
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You can see some of the techniques I used if you want (IM or whisper me).